Saturday, February 26, 2011

The Buff Guide to Navigation

G'day all! Buff Staysail here, Buff by name and Buff by nature!

Well that drongo JP has only just realised that he's already got a copy of The Natural Navigator from that Tristan chap, so he's gone off in a huff (JP: not true!!) not wanting to win another (JP: ok, that bit's true) leaving yours truly to set you straight with more words of wisdom.

1. Use GPS

All this stuff about looking for 'roo dropings, following Arcturus to Hawaii whatever, seriously why bother? Just buy a GPS, preferably big screen version - what's it? chart plotter? - so you can just drag and plop or whatever the term is to where you want to go. Simple!

2. Make sure your GPS is water-proof

So I get myself a iPad thing, dead cool, got JP to set it up with Navionics, NavX you name it and the first sniff of salt water it fizzes a bit then dies!! Not so cool now, eh?? Expensive too! Next time I'll test it by dropping it in the bath first.

3. Don't go out in the fog

There's a lot of bollocks about finding your way in the fog - but seriously, what were you doing out there in the first place? Buff's rule of thumb is that if you can't see the sheila's in their bikini's lying on the foredeck its a bar day.

4. Follow others

A lot of people get all worked up about the start of a race, but not Buff. You see these losers battling to be first across the line, but then they've got to work out where the marks are. Let me tell you the committees secret - they enjoy changing the mark positions!! All this talk about wind shifts is a cover for them have a good larf watching boats go in the wrong direction. Let others do the hard work and remember that over a regatta you often just need to run-up a lot to win.

5. Find the bar

Now the important bit: navigation is not just for on the water, its for land too! But what is more important than finding the bar for that cold one after a hot day on the water? Nothing of course!! And for the best bar you need to just check with an expert, namely your's truly! My answer is always the same: thanks for asking, I'll have a beer!!

6. Find yourself

Buff's been all spiritual like since my epi.. er... aphi... revelation last month, so now I know that travel is just an illusion, for wherever you go you'll always be here! Now is that deep or what!!! So make sure you've a 4-pack of cold tinnies to hand, and then wherever you go you'll always be in the bar!!

That's about it for now. This is Buff Staysail, navigator, over and out!!


bonnie said...


Cliff Clavin said...

Buff, my buddy, it's a well known fact that you should never say, "Over and out!"

Those are conflicting terms.

I am sure your friend JP knows that "over" means you have finished talking and are waiting for a response, whereas "out" means you have finished the conversation.

It makes no sense to use them together.

Buff Staysail said...

Hi Cliff, long time no had a beer or two with you. Surprised at your comment, thought you'd understand. We're two of a kind, we are, we studied at the University of Life; we're not like JP or Frasier, who are just book-smart.

So what if the RYA VHF radio so called book does say you should say over or out but not both. You're talking to Buff Staysail here: I've my own Phonetic Alphabet, and in the BS VHF training course you DO say over and out!

Say g'day to Norm from me.

This is Buff Staysail, over AND out!

O Docker said...

Buff, I'm one of your most fervent followers (and I hope 'fervent' doesn't mean something naughty in Aussie slang), but I'm afraid I'm on to your game here and just can't support you this time.

This shameless ploy to win Tillerman's writing challenge by the sheer number of entries is audacious even for you, Buff.

I must give you credit, though, for an ingenious plan!

JP said...

Buff has headed off for a drink with Cliff, but would be dead chuffed to be thought smart enough to come up with a plan like that!